Morbidly Obese at 21

So as many of you probably realized I haven’t been posting much recently. That is because I was in the casting process for Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. I made it to a semi-finalist but in the end didn’t get cast. Sad. But that being said, it really reminded me of all of the amazing reasons I wanted to lose weight in the first place. The things I never got to do that I want to do now.

So today I went to the gym. And I’m not gonna lie. That shit sucks. I just about wanted to die and give up and quit. But ya know what?! I didn’t! I didn’t die or give up or quit. I did it. And though it was  awful in the the moment, I feel great now! So yay me!

I have a membership to Planet Fitness and I did the 30 minute workout and then 15 on the treadmill and 15 on the elliptical. I then treated my self to a hydro-massage and a tan and it felt great.

So even though I didn’t get the show, I still won. I got the motivation to do it and to do it myself. You don’t need fancy trainers or doctors or anything to do it. You just need the motivation. And I know I’m gonna have days where I am sore and I don’t wanna go but through this experience I realized I’ve had this AMAZING support system here that I never really realized I had. My friends and family deserve a lot more credit than I’ve given them. They rock.

So that’s it for now. Keep fighting the good fight.

Much love.

xoxo

-MO@21

P.S. Today I weight 334lbs. That ends today. :-)

I’m always fucking hungry. All the time. I may know that I am having a proper amount of food but apparently my stomach never got the memo. And before someone writes some crap about “don’t diet. it’s a lifestyle change” fuck you.

To me, anything other than doing exactly what I was doing before is a fucking diet, regardless of whether or not I do it for the rest of my life.

I hate the process of loosing weight. I’m moody, I’m tired, and I am so INCREDIBLY hungery.

*Rant Over*

xoxo

-MO@21

Nuff said.

xoxo

-MO@21

So, I’m sure a lot of you either have fat friends who want to lose weight or friends who used to be fat but lost weight. I have a friend who used to be fat but has just taken it way too far and has gotten way too damn skinny. I mean, I can see his fucking rib cage skinny.

I know he’s worked really hard to get if off but I’m worried about him and being 300+lbs myself I know that I just come off as jealous and not a very good judge of health.

So now I’m in this hard place. I mean granted, he is doing a lot of harm to his body but so am I so I can totally see where he would feel like who am I to talk. But on the other hand, given our age he’s a lot more likely to die in the next year due to complications from his extreme diet than I am from mine.

I think it’s always a tough issue. How do you support someones weight loss without making them feel like shit or wind up with an eating disorder while at the same time making them fully understand how important it is to lose the weight and how dangerous it can be to not lose it.

And on the other hand how do we as fat people learn self acceptance for who we are currently and still strive to lose the weight.

It’s all so complicated. I just wish my friend would see that what he’s doing now is just as bad, if not worse, than what he was doing before.

xoxo

-MO@21

So as of December 26, 2011, I have been gainfully unemployed. So it has been a week and a half since losing my job and the strangest thing happened…. I LOST 15lbs!

Whether it’s that I don’t spend $40/day on fast food at work any longer or not having much money for food, or just the simple fact that I’ve been too depressed to really get up and cook anything so I just lay in a state of not hunger but not fullness most of the time - for some reason or another, I am losing weight!

Maybe the unemployment line won’t be so bad after all….

xoxo

-MO@21

P.S. Still getting used to that whole 21 thing! :-)

I recently turned 21 and so I am now morbidly obese at 21! That is both exciting and extremely sad….

Xoxo

-MO@21

Xoxo

-MO@20

So this past weekend I went to Chicago to audition for the Biggest Loser. I go there at 10am and the line was in a long, stinky alley. To make matters worse, it soon began to rain. It rained for 5 hours. And I stood ther for 5 hours. In the Rain. And I didn’t get it. But I did meet some extrodinary people so I don’t regret doing it.

But it really gave me the kick in the ass I needed. So tomorrow I meet with my new personal trainer! I’m super excited! I’m doing this thing where I get to meet with him in my own personal gym and he also helps me plan out my meals and takes my grocery shopping. I’m super pump.

I also decided to finally tell the peopl in my life that I’m losing weight and while everyone is being really supportive, people are also being REALLY judgemental. Like they now have the right to make judgements about what I do and what I eat. Its really annoying.

I’m an adult who is making the adult decision to change my life. I don’t need my friends, my family, my co-workers all constantly probing me and nit picking at my choices.

But that being said, I’m super pumped for tomorrow! This is real change! Yay!

xoxo

-MO@20

So as you all know, I had fallen of the band wagon and to be quite frank I still haven’t gotten back on but last night as I ate my chinese food that was covered in a thick layer of grease I realized I didn’t really want it. I thought I did. I had craved it and I had bought it but I didnt really want it. I felt awful eating it and I’ve felt sluggish since.

Lately I’ve felt extremely exhausted and stressed and deeply depressed. It was a major wake up call for me. I am 20 and have absolutley no will or energy to do anything really other than sleep all day and eat shitty food. This needs to change.

For the first time really in my life I think I am feeling real, honest consequences for my actions having to do with my health. Sure, there was picking because of my weight and social drama and the inability to run but those things are so easily pushed aside and you can make excuses. But I can’t now knowing that these foods are making me feel this way continue on the way I have.

I honestly feel awful. I felt fine at first but it has progressively gotten worse. I know that its almost an insult to compare the two but I almost feel like an alcoholic who spent months off of alcohol and goes back and realizes why they stopped and why they need to stop.

This disease,  this craving, this need is completely and utterly mental. Ive written about this before. The crave for something you dont want or need and the inability to stay away.

I dont know,  its like this light bulb went off in my brain. It seems so stupid because it now seems so obvious but I had honestly never connected the fact that I felt so lethargic to my diet. I always just assumed thats who I was. But now I can see it plays a major part in everything.

So now I am getting back to it and this time I mean it. This isnt about weight anymore this about health and not just health in terms or being able to walk or run but my mental health which I can feel deteriating daily due to my diet.

I have sunk into this vast pool of depression. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack all of the time. Like my body is about to lose the ability to breath. Like all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. But that’s not who I am and who I want to be. So I’m making myself more accountable. I am going to post every meal I eat on here. Every morsel I put in my mouth. I need to stop pretending like my diet is a personal choice that doesn’t really effect me because it totally effects me. Even if I never lose a single shred of weight, I just want to feel like me again. To be optimistic and smile and feel like walking and not feel disgusted with myself everytime I eat.

I am starting by cleaning out my fridge. I don’t care if I waste money. I need to get rid of all of the left over takeouts. The sodas. The take out menus. I live two blocks from an organic food store. There is no reason for me to ever order take out when I can walk two blocks to eat something far cheaper and far better for me.

Today is really the day. The last day. The last first day. No more diets. No more “well just this one time” because its never just one time. I have an addiction to food and its unhealthy and its killing me - both physically and mentally. I am taking the first step toward a complete lifestyle change and I am terrified.

I dont know who I am if I’m not fat. I dont know what foods I like or what I like to do but I’m going to find out. I know its stupid to cry over not being fat anymore but I am. It’s like I’m saying goodbye to who I am. I know that I’ll be better in the end but its like losing a best friend. Food is my comfort and my fat is like  this layer of protection. It’s like armor and I’ve learned how to not be vulnrable because of it. But today, I’m leaving that behind.

Sorry for the super long post. I know it probably makes little sense and is pretty much just a ramble/rant but I had a lot to get off of my chest…

That’s all for now.

xoxo

-MO@20

eemersonm:

But in a very loving, gleeful, and awe-struck kinda way!

xoxo

-MO@20